Becoming a woman in leadership has been a road with a lot of unexpected experiences. I remember being in early college and learning about the suffragettes and women’s rights. We learned about the horrible abuses women had suffered early in the workforce. What I didn’t learn was that this was still happening. I had this concept that it was all wrapped up in a pretty bow as an unfortunate part of history. Words like “feminism” felt uncomfortable and I didn’t exactly want to identify with them- “Whoa there, that just seems a little too far and unnecessary at this point don’t you think?”
I went on to enter the workforce as a very excited and passionate young counselor. My first job was quite an advanced position and I was deeply in my field. When the time came to complete my graduate degree, my job just happened to open up the managerial position of the program I had been working at for four years. It was a pilot program and I was the first and only counselor in its inception. I had literally written the handbook for how we handle the different situations that arise. It seemed like a no brainer I would get this position, I was passionate, educated and the most experienced.
However, when the time came that is not what happened.
I was devastated, heartbroken and confused. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I didn’t fully understand it at the time, but I learned later that it was in fact because I “would likely leave the workforce to have babies or to further pursue my career.”
Now, I was determined to move up in leadership. I took an exciting clinical job about a year later. I quickly moved from a program manager to a clinical director to an executive director. I would attend leadership meetings on Fridays and afterwards all the boys, the top dogs and the ones they’ve chosen to come up behind them, would go smoke cigars at a local cigar shop. I was determined and went, as the only woman, to that cigar shop. Was I scared? Yes. Was I uncomfortable? Absolutely! However, you would never know it.
It was awkward at first and the older men didn’t talk to me as much as the younger men. Slowly they began commenting physically about some of the other women who worked [with us], often talking about who they found attractive. While I didn’t appreciate this talk, I didn’t feel [comfortable] confronting it. It was shaky [as to whether] I was even really welcome at the cigar shop.
The CEO seemed to like that I, as a woman, could hang [out] with the men and would tell people I was “cool.”
I could act crass or take a joke, this is how women should be right? If they all just acted like this, there would be plenty of women in upper management.
I started inviting other women in the management meeting to the “after meeting” at the cigar shop. A few had the courage to venture out, especially knowing another woman would be there. It was successful, eventually I had five or six women who would regularly attend.
There was a party one night after a new office was opened. I can’t remember why I couldn’t attend, but I couldn’t. My one work friend, a female co-worker who had been one of the first to brave the cigar scene, had told me she had eerie feelings when she left that party. I later learned that night they attempted to coerce a young, new employee into sexual behavior with the higher ups. When I learned of this, it dawned on me that this is a serious situation and I need to do something about it! Wait, wait, this seems overwhelming, what am I supposed to do? I thought this only happened in the 1950’s! I was scared. What am I supposed to do? Our HR person was very close to the CEO so going to her was not an option.
I started researching legal options and at the same time inquiring with other women in the company and found out that this was not an isolated incident.
I, [however,] knew that I had no choice. I needed to act on behalf of these women and the ones who had yet to be hired. Luckily or unluckily, I am not sure, the leadership was asked to leave for other reasons and of course given a hefty payment to do so. When the new CEO was named, I went in and told the story, stressing how the young men who participated in the coercion were still the supervisors of the victims and the power dynamics were not resolved. They questioned me numerous times, but eventually also asked these individuals to leave. While this was a success in some ways, I want to point out that not one of them has a mark on their record. All of them went on to continue working [as supervisors to women]. No one suffered more than an inconvenience, except of course the women, who are always asked to carry the heavy load of the patriarchal world.
These experiences changed me. I could no longer trust a company or organization. I slowly became aware of the state of sexism all around me. Then, even inside me.
I talk with young women everyday who automatically allow men to take the head of the table, or place themselves in a helper role to get ahead. Those who take secretarial roles in group projects, or who participate in the drinking culture that is aimed at taking advantage of them. I know that many of these women are like me, both in my lack of understanding of the bigger picture at play in these [power] dynamics and also in how [with time] they will grow into themselves and [become aware] of these internalized societal forces.
Coming to the Villanova community has been a healing experience. I’ve had the honor of working with so many kind and genuine colleagues and have had great bosses whom I’ve trusted. What stands out to me as the daily experiences of leadership are the conversations. Learning to talk about these topics with others in a consistent and casual way makes equity a real part of the discussion. I’ve seen those around me grow in their awareness and am often sought out for questions in these areas. I also bring up these topics to the young men and women I work with. My hope is to help students see the changes that still need to be made; how these biases exist inside of us first and to have the courage to face them.
I also find it important to arm students with the understanding of feminism as good for the whole, that when women thrive, so do families, communities and the businesses they work for. To show equity as a beneficial goal for all people, not just women.
I have grown in my [understanding] of what makes a leader through this process and most importantly in the traits I now perceive as leadership. I no longer think the man who talks over me is commanding, I now see clearly his lack of appreciation for what I am saying. I view the ability to get a team to work together or to create a culture of care for one another as a strength. I see the benefit of humility over arrogance, wisdom over know-it-all and kindness over callousness. I have learned to lead from the heart, to know that what doesn’t bend breaks and the most flexible leader is the one who is able to assist more people. I have also learned about my courage, who I want to be and who I will not be. I am proud of the woman I am; at every opportunity I have discussions with other young women and men to help them in ways I wish I could have understood sooner so we can change internalized cultural norms.
Written in Spring 2019.